Harry Potter and the Hot Boy Who Jumps From Trees
by Dreamstallion33
Summary: A spoof on the fourth Harry Potter movie. Author’s Warning: May cause severe head nodding in agreement, and erratic bursts of laughter. Author not responsible for: tears of laughter, an urge to throw the GoF DVD at someone, ect. ENJOY! R
1. Goblet of Fire Parody

**Summary**-A spoof on the fourth Harry Potter movie. Author's Warning: May cause severe head nodding in agreement, and erratic bursts of laughter. Author not responsible for: tears of laughter, an urge to throw the GoF DVD at someone, ect. ENJOY! R&R

**Author's Note-**I would just like to clarify that I loved GoF. It is the best movie out of all of them so far(though that's not much considering what we have to compare it to), and that makes me happy because GoF is my favorite book(even with the shocking amount of butchering the movie did. Ah, well at least it wasn't like PoA. DAMN YOU CUARON! Ugh, you'll get it later. What _are_ you still doing reading this? You should be reading! Now go to it! This is just an author's ramblings. You don't really _have_ to read this. And yet I know you still are. Stop it. Stop it right now, and just go read the parody. And review. I like reivews)! Cedric Diggory/Robert Pattinson is awesome, but you'll notice that throughout the parody. I am also a die hard Snape fan(Shutup I don't want to hear it! You can't change my mind he is the best character ever!!! And Alan Rickman rocks)! Let me know what you think. Enjoy!**_  
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**_Disclaimer_**-I don't own anything Harry Potter and I'm not making money off of any of this..._blah blah blah. _But if you're going to read it then at least do me the favor of reviewing. Thanks!

**_Note_**_- _parentheses () indicate action of some sort_  
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* * *

**Harry Potter and the Hot Boy Who Jumps From Trees**

**The Book-**It's an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem. For instance, the people who are in charge of the Harry Potter movies think they are brilliant. Little do they know they are usually displeasing the Hardcore Harry Potter fans very, very much. Hardcore Harry Potter fans had long known of the impending destruction the movies would bring to their beloved books and had on many occasions tried to alert the world but their warnings were mistakenly interpreted as amusing attempts to seem overly fussy, and nit-picky. Here are the remains of the fourth film on screen.

**People in charge of the Harry Potter films-**Apathetic bloody Hardcore Harry Potter fans, I've no sympathy at all.

* * *

Opening scene

_Snake slithers up a pathway. HP logo appears. HP theme plays out slightly different than usual. Reopen scene with a whistling teapot and an old man._

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**-_(Hardcore HP fans lean over to Other Moviegoers)_ Oh! So they are having the dream! That's Frank.

**Other moviegoers are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**- Old man? Who the hell is he and WHAT the hell is his point?

**Frank Bryce**- _(Sees light in abandoned house)_ Those darn kids!

_Frank Bryce hobbles into the house and up the steps toward the light._

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**-Um...didn't he leave the kettle on? Won't his cottage burn down? And is he daft? Using a flash light? Why doesn't he just go up the stair shouting? _(Rolls eyes)_ Its one thing to mess up what's written but this. This is just ill-thought out!

_Someone in a chair is speaking in what is supposed to be a cold voice. Frank peers in doorway_

**Frank Bryce**-_(hums)_I'd chime in with a "Haven't you people ever heard of closing a damn door?!"  
No, it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- Oh great! VOLDEMORT!

**Other moviegoers are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**- Huh? Um? What? Duh?

_Wormtail is talking to thing in chair…(Not odd at all)._

**Voldemort/Chair thing**- _(Cough)(Whisper)_ EVERYONE WILL SUFFER! _(Whisper)(Cough)_

_Guy in Matrix jacket appears at chairs side._

**Wormtail**- Um, Yeah, Barty. Trinity called. She wants her jacket back.

**Voldemort/Chair thing**- _(Cough)(Wheeze)(Cough)_ COUGH DROP! _(Cough)(Wheeze)(Cough)_

**Barty Crouch Jr.**- I am your most faithful servant.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such-** What? Huh? Um? Duh? Why is Barty Crouch Jr. in this scene?

**Other moviegoers are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**- Who's the guy in the leather coat? And what's the thing with the raspy voice in the chair? _(Freak out)_ WHEN DID THIS BECOME THE RING/MATRIX?

_Snake slithers by Frank Bryce. Voldemort/Chair thing speaks again. Wormtail kills Frank Bryce._

**Voldemort/Chair thing**- _(Cough)(Wheeze)_ HARRY POTTER! _(Wheeze)(Cough)_

_Kettle gives deafening whistle._

* * *

The Burrow

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- Dursleys anyone? Anyone? Ton-Tongue Toffee? _(folds arms angrily)_

**Mike Newell-** Um no. You'll notice we cut quite a bit. And well-

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- Mrs. Weasley perhaps?

**Mike Newell- **Um well. No.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- How about Bill Weasley?

**Mike Newell- **Er...

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**-Well this sucks. _(Glares at screen)_

**Other moviegoers are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**- Who cares! Get over it!

_Hermione shines Harry in the eyes with candle._

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- _(Looks constipated)_ Ah! No! NO! Don't kill him! He's hot!

**Hermione is not always crying, she's just constantly hysterical**- _(Pretends to be the cut Mrs. Weasley) _Harry get up! I don't want to hear about your current teenage _problems_!

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- Oh shit! That's not till the next movie!

_Hermione walks over to Ron._

**Hermione is not always crying, she's just constantly hysterical**- Up! You thick skulked boy I'm truly, madly deeply, head over heals in love with!

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- _(Mumbles)_ You know you want to see my broomstick 'Mione.

**Hermione is not always crying, she's just constantly hysterical**- RON!

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- _(Girly shriek)_ EXCUSE ME WOMAN! YOU'VE WALKED IN WHEN I'M A BIT EXPOSED! _(Pulls covers up to chest)_ I think this is the _perfect_ time to say my favorite line of all! BLOODY HELL!

**Ron/Hermione shippers**- AWH!

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- VOLDEMORT!

**Hermione is not always crying, she's just constantly hysterical**- _(Sounds like she's about to cry) _Come one! Get moving! AND DON'T GO BACK TO SLEEP!

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- You know I will. _(Snore)(Drool)_

* * *

Random walk in random forest like area

**Mr. Weasley**- Let's walk on…and girls watch out! There are good-looking boys who randomly jump from trees.

**Twin**- Where are we going?

**Mr. Weasley**- I'll never tell

**Amos Diggory**- Hullo! We'll be walking together I think the point is simply to introduce the _gorgeous_ fruit of my loin, which is strange since I resemble a frog.

_Hot boy jumps from tree._

**Me**- _(Drool)(Swoon)(Sigh)(Stare)(Woe)_ THIS IS THE WHOLE REASON I CAME TO THIS FILM! MARRY ME! _(Is jealous of tree)_

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- Cedric is Harry's competition. We're not supposed to like him. _(Turns head)(Takes another look)…(Stomps feet in frustration and whines) _Oh but he's hot!

**Other moviegoers are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**- _(Bounces in seat)_ Oh who's the hot boy!

**Mr. Weasley**- See girls! Don't say I didn't warn you! This must be Cedric who will become extremely important later on. _(Shakes Cedric's hand)_ Oh! I must admit, he's so good looking I'm all a flutter myself!

**Cedric is the modest Hufflepuff sex symbol**- Good-looking boy. _(Looks around)_ Where? _(Modest)_

**Hermione is not always crying, she's just constantly hysterical**- _(Scowl)_ Ron is so _much_ better looking!

**Ginny**- Yum!

**Hermione is not always crying, she's just constantly hysterical**- _(Shock)_ What!

**Ginny**- _(Innocent) _What?

_Amos Diggory pulls Harry Potter aside. _

**Amos Diggory**- Well a pointless introduction. I worship the ground you walk on like everyone else. Pleasure!

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- Um? What? Huh? Duh?

_Close up on mangy boot._

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- PORTKEY! _(Bows in worship)_ ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY MANGY BOOT!

**Other moviegoers are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**- A mangy boot. Huh? What? Uh? Duh? This is getting more and more confusing.

_Everyone grabs on to boot._

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- Why are we all touching a mangy boot? The Boy Who Lived doesn't touch mangy boots!

**Mr. Weasley**- TOUCH THE DAMN MANGY BOOT!

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- NO!

**Mr. Weasley**- TOUCH IT!

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- FINE! Wizards are so odd. _(Shrugs)_ And demanding.

_Portkey floats everyone up._

**Mr. Weasley**- LET GO!

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- WHAT! You just screamed about me grabbing it. Now I'm supposed to let go?

**Mr. Weasley**- Yes. Exactly!

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- And it gets odder and more demanding.

**Other moviegoers are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**- We're with you Harry.

_Everyone lands on ground flat on his or her backs. Harry leans up just in time to see Amos Diggory, Mr. Weasley, and angelic looking Cedric glide down. Cedric holds his hand out to help Harry up._

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- Oh! Mr. Weasley was right. He does make you go all a flutter.

**Me**- Oh, touch my hand!

**Hermione is not always crying, she's just constantly hysterical**- Ron I've fallen! Help me up!

**Ginny**- Oh Harry! I'm on the ground!

* * *

Tent

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- Where's the color? This is the campsite! LAME!

_Amos Diggory and Cedric depart._

**Me**- No! Don't leave! I'll wait for you!

_TENT of normalness. ON THE OUTSIDE! Everyone walks in but Harry._

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- There is no way in hell I'm sharing my bed! RON! You sleep on top of the tent!

_Harry goes inside._

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- I _love_ magic!

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- I love _you_ Harry!

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- Oh dear! Has Kloves really sunk that low? Taking lines from Potter Puppet Pals! I fear for the rest of this film.

**Mr. Weasley**- Out of the kitchen.

**Twins**- Out of the kitchen!

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- _(Sneer)_

**Mr. Weasley**- Feet off the table.

**Twins**- Feet off the table!

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**-Oh boo! And I was really looking forward to hearing; "I like a healthy breeze 'round my privates, thanks!" I mean you gotta love Old Archie!

* * *

Stairs

**American HP fans**- Hey it looks like a football stadium!

**Twin**- How high up are we?

**Draco Malfoy is still waiting for his pimp cane to come in**- I am WAY over dressed for this game. AND I AM NOT PREMATURELY GRAY! The platinum is supposed to bring out the color of my eyes. And STOP saying I've gotten UGLY! I'm still your hot, loveable Draco like I was in Chamber of secrets.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- _(Turn away)_ Nah-Uh! You've changed! Cuaron did something to you! Besides. We have Cedric now! And he's good. _(Begins reciting Hufflepuff motto)_ And we don't like him _because_ he's the HOGWARTS HEARTTHROB. _(Innocent eyes)_ Okay maybe a little.

**Draco Malfoy is still waiting for his pimp cane to come in** - _(Sneer) _Daddy! Daddy! Tell the poor Weasleys off! It'll make me feel better about myself!

**Lucius/Luscious Malfoy**- _(Flips hair)_ Take a picture ladies while you can. Besides the Weasleys have NOTHING! And I have the cane of awesomeness! Owned!

**Mr. Weasley**- Maybe I should grow out my hair.

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- You can't be serious! Another candid moment for my favorite line BLOODY HELL! _(Sticks tongue out at Malfoy)_

**Draco Malfoy is still waiting for his pimp cane to come in** - Y Tu Mama Tambien!

**Lucius/Luscious Malfoy**- OWNED!

**Draco Malfoy is still waiting for his pimp cane to come in** - Owned!

**Lucius/Luscious Malfoy**- No Draco only I do that. _(Hits son with cane of awesomeness)_

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**-Hey wait! What about Narcissa Malfoy!

**Mike Newell**-Ummm...

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**-Grrr!

* * *

Quidditch field

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- HOORAY! Some Quidditch! FINALLY! _(Cheers)_ QWC! QWC!

**American HP fans**- OMG! It really is a football field! I hope there's no wardrobe malfunctions during half time.

**Irish**- LEPRECHAUN dances a jig! Because we're better!

**Leprechaun**- Aye! They're after me lucky charms!

**Bulgaria**- Nah. We've got-

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- KRUM! KRUM! _(holds up sign)_ Marry me KRUM!

**Viktor Krum Bulgarian Bon-Bon**- Aren't I supposed to be surly? Oh vell! HELLO GIANT STADIUM!

_Fudge says some words, blinding flash._

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- Why didn't they cast a Ludo Bagman? What happened to the QWC? WHAT? And the Veela? Did they just erase my memory? Blinding flash! What happened to the Quidditch?

**Mike Newell**- Oh well you see we decided to add in the broom flying during the part with the dragons. But you won't appreciate it then anyway. So basically we just wasted time.

* * *

Tent Again

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- Krum is the world! He's my knight in shining armor!

**Hermione is not always crying, she's just constantly hysterical**- Um. But. Huh. Excuse me can I get a word?

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- Screw you Hermione Krum is probably better in bed.

**Ron/Hermione shippers**- _(Sing)_ Love is a wonderful thing!

**Mr. Weasley**- The KKK has arrived. I mean the Death Eaters! Run! Run!

_Campsite burns_

**Hermione is not always crying, she's just constantly hysterical**- _(Sob)_

**Death Eaters**- We pillage, we plunder, we rifle, and loot,  
Drink up, me 'earties, yo ho.  
We kidnap and ravage and don't give a hoot,  
Drink up me 'earties, yo ho.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**-Why aren't they levitating the muggles? _(Stomps foot)_ I wanted to see levitating muggles!

_Harry waves towel he took with him from the tent_

**Death Eaters**- He's got a TOWEL!

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- _(knocked unconscious)_

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- WINKY!

**Barty Crouch Jr**.- Nope just me. _(Conjures Dark Mark)_

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- Why couldn't they just use the Dark Mark that is clearly drawn in the book? And what no Winky!

**Other moviegoers are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**- This guy _again_!

**Hermione is not always crying, she's just constantly hysterical**- _(Sob)_ Harry!

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- Why do you sound like you're about to cry, Hermione?

**Hermione is not always crying, she's just constantly hysterical**- _(Sob)_ What? This is how I talk normally.

_Big flashing red light. The trio ducks_

**Barty Crouch**- YOU WERE FOUND AT THE SCENE OF THE CRIME!

**Mr. Weasley**- STOP THAT'S-MY-SON!

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- Ooo that's ironic! We'll hear that line again.

**Other moviegoers are not always confused, they just don't get everything all the time**- Why is that ironic? Huh? And who's Hitler?

**Hermione is not always crying, she's just constantly hysterical**- _(Sob)_

_Man in leather coat blah, blah, blah._

* * *

Train to Hogwarts

**Trolley Lady**- The whole point of this scene is to introduce the love interest!

**Cho is not the Hogwarts Whore**- And let me appear…NOW!

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- hum un a hum un a hum un a.

**Cho is not the Hogwarts Whore**- _(Smile)_ I'll break you're heart twice, you know.

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- Yeah everyone usually does. But let's enjoy it while we can.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- That's Cho? She's pretty _boring_ compared to Hermione.

**Other moviegoers are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**- ANOTHER NEW CHARACTER! _(Sigh)_ I really can't take too much more of this.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- Get used to it. There are loads more in this movie.

**Hermione is not always crying, she's just constantly hysterical**- Harry you should write to Sirius. Because I said so.

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- Demanding. All right. _(Writes on parchment)_ Sirius Black.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- _(Shakes fist)_ SNUFFLES YOU IDIOT!

* * *

On random bridge that isn't canon at Hogwarts

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- _(Shakes fist)_ DAMN YOU ALFONSO CUARON!

_LARGE FLYING HORSES_

**Students**- Lets all look and point in different directions at the same objects!

**Hagrid**- _(Static)(Static)_ This is air traffic control; we are clearing you for landing. _(Static)(Static)_

_A SAIL RISES OUT OF THE WATER_

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- OMG! It's like watching that part in Pirates of the Caribbean where Jack Sparrow's ship is sinking, except in reverse. To bad there's no Johnny Depp standing on the sails.

* * *

Great Hall

**Dumbledore is an older stoner**- Yeah hello. Hello? Is this thing on? _(Taps owl podium thing)_ Yes hello. I'm still here. I'm the headmaster Albus Dumbledore. GROOVY! Right, onto business. I'm stoned off my ass.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- _(Sigh)_ _You're_ still around.

_Filch hobbles/ skips into Great Hall._

**Filch**- _(Whisper)(Whisper)_

**Dumbledore is an older stoner**- Groovy. There are like two of you in my vision.

_Filch hobbles/ skips out._

**Dumbledore is an older stoner**- So anyway where was I! Something about how my beard isn't right? Aren't these robes nifty! Half off at… _(Other professors glare at him) _Sorry…Sorry…As I was going to say…Hogwarts is holding this thing called the Triwizard cup. Yeah it's this thing where people compete. It's not a game. _(laughs)_ Well _actually_ it is. And it's going to be groovy good fun! I think I'm supposed to say something about cooperation of some sort. Eh. Whatever. Let's welcome these girls from that place.

_Doors burst open in walk Beaubaxtons girls._

**Beaubaxtons girls**- _(Flutter)(Flutter)(Sigh)_ We're sexy, we're cute, we're popular to boot. We're bitchin', great hair, The boys all love to stare, we're wanted, we're hot, We're everything you're not, We're pretty, We're cool, We'll dominate this school, Who are we? Just guess, Guys wanna touch our chest, we're rockin', we smile, And many think we're vile, we're flyin', we jump, You can look but don't you hump, Whoo! We're major, we roar, we swear we're not a whore, We cheer and we lead, We act like we're on speed, You hate us 'cause we're beautiful, Well we don't like you either, we're Beaubaxtons. _(Flutter)(Flutter)(Sigh) _

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- hum un a hum un a hum un a.

**Hermione is not always crying, she's just constantly hysterical**- What do they have that I don't?

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- Butterflies.

_Fleur walks in._

**Fleur Delacour is good-looking enough for the rest of us she theenks**- _(Flutter)(Flutter)(Sigh)_ I'm strong and I'm loud, I'm gonna make you proud, I'm F-F-F-Fleur, Your (soon to be) champion Fleur. _(Flutter)(Flutter)(Sigh)_

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- I like _their_ Butterflies.

_Dumbledore leads exceedingly large woman up isle._

**Dumbledore is an older stoner**- And now those dudes from that other place.

_Durmstrang walks in._

**Durmstrang**- WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU! _(Bangs stick on floor)_ WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU! With our pimp canes.

**Draco Malfoy is still waiting for his pimp cane to come in** - My father's pimp cane is _way_ better than those!

_Viktor Krum storms in. Insert Theme Music: "I'm bringing SEXYBACK"_

**Viktor Krum Bulgarian Bon-Bon**-If there's anything around here more important than my ego, I want it caught and shot now!

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- _(Fan girl shriek)_ OMG! OMG! It's him! It's him! He's better than the butterflies! Oh! Almost forgot, _(Clears throat)_ BLOODY HELL!

**Dumbledore is an older stoner**- Karkaroff!

**Karkaroff**- _(Strides past Dumbledore's open arms) _SNAPE!

_Quick glimpse of a man in a leather coat._

**Karkaroff**- Snape? Why won't you look at me? Do I have something in my teeth? _(Smiles showing off teeth of grime)_

**Madame Maxime**- Dumbly-door _(purrs)_ Zat man who is also exceedingly large is making eyes at me.

**Dumbledore is an older stoner**- Oh Hagrid? He's groovy.

**Hagrid**- _(Stabs Flitwick)_

**Flitwick**- _(Glare and nasty words)_

**Hagrid**- Oh sorry Flitwick. I'm a vegetarian, anyway.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- What happened to Flitwick's mini Dumbledore look? _(Grumbles about Cuaron)_

_Michael Gambon leans over to Maggie Smith_.

**Michael Gambon**- You know I only got the part because they thought they were voting for the worst possible choice of Dumbledore in the universe contest.

_Dumbledore points to Goblet of Fire_.

**Dumbledore is an older stoner**- This is the Goblet of groovy fire! Don't smoke it. I've tried. Anyhow-

_Mad-Eye Moody enters_

**Moody is not drinking pumpkin juice**- _(Blast ceiling)_ I'm not paranoid! I'm not. _(Takes out flask)(Guzzle)(Guzzle)_

**Draco Malfoy is still waiting for his pimp cane to come in - **HEY HE HAS A PIMP CANE TOO! My father should patent his! Everyone is stealing his bloody trade mark! DAMN YOU POSER PIMPS!

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- _(Shakes fist) _Moody is supposed to have a wooden leg! And what's with the eye strap! _(sigh)_

**Barty Crouch**- THERE IS AN AGE LINE FOR THIS GOBLET! That is all.

**Students**- Boo! Hiss!

_Goblet of fire is revealed. Camera pans to every soon to be champion. (Not obvious at all)_

_

* * *

_

Great Hall

_Random Karkaroff looking sinister door opening_

**Everyone**- Uh?

_The author would like to take this time to remind you to review when you finish. Carry on!_

* * *

Defense against the Dark Arts

**Moody is not drinking pumpkin juice**-_(Sings)_I know that your powers of retention Are as wet as a warthog's backside But thick as you are, pay attention My words are a matter of pride It's clear from your vacant expressions The lights are not all on upstairs But we're talking kings and successions Even you can't be caught unaware. So prepare for a chance of a lifetime Be prepared for sensational news A shining new era Is tiptoeing nearer Just listen to teacher I know it sounds sordid But you'll be rewarded When at last I am given my dues! And injustice deliciously squared Be prepared! So who can tell me an Unforgivable curse?

_Moody makes spider do crazy things, with a spell that is ONLY significant if you've read the book. Then he makes Neville sad. Then he kills it, and Hermione cries._

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- Why does Hermione know _everything_ including Neville's past when it isn't revealed till later and it's not even revealed to her! _(Throw tantrum)_ And what happened to CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

* * *

The Great Hall

_Goblet burning. Suddenly large crowd of Hufflepuffs_

**Me**- HOORAY MORE CEDRIC!

_Cedric puts his name in the Goblet _

**Me**- Oh he's really hot with his hair wet! _(Drool) _

_Twins run in with aging potion._

**Twin**- It's going to work!

**Hermione is not always crying, she's just constantly hysterical**- I'm smart. It won't

_Twins drink potion and leave vials by Hermione_

**Twins**- There are two of us! Two brains Herm-own-ninny. _(Skip over age line together)_

**Hermione is not always crying, she's just constantly hysterical**- _(Reads vials)_ WARNING: May cause twin tussle that almost every girl wishes they could be sandwiched between.

_Twins grow beards and tussle._

**Every girl in the theater**- _(Sigh)_

_Viktor Krum storms in._

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- Catch me Harry. _(Faint)_

**Viktor Krum Bulgarian Bon-Bon**- _(Meaningful look at Hermione) _

**Hermione is not always crying, she's just constantly hysterical**- _(Smile)_ Ron just fainted. Awh!

* * *

Great Hall Goblet of fire champion selection

_Goblet burns red_

**Dumbledore is an older stoner**- The champion for Durmstrang is Viktor Krum. And I'm on LSD.

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- _(Fans self)_

_Goblet burns red_

**Dumbledore is an older stoner**- Groovy! The champion from that butterfly school is Fleur Delacour.

**Fleur Delacour is good-looking enough for the rest of us she theenks**- _(Flutter)(Sigh)_ I'm strong and I'm loud, I'm gonna make you proud, I'm F-F-F-Fleur, Your champion Fleur. _(Flutter)(Flutter)(Sigh)_

_Goblet burns red_

**Dumbledore is an older stoner**- Oh! Cool! This kid is from our school! Cedric Diggory come on down!

**Me**- HOORAY! CEDRIC!

**Cedric is the modest Hufflepuff sex symbol**- Hooray me! _(Walks up being patted on the back, and patting friends and other people on the back)_

**Me**- _(Sigh)_

**Dumbledore is an older stoner**- I think that's all. I'm going to say this while none of the champions are in the room, which seems pointless. And come to think of it, it is, but whatever. Blah, blah, blah, ETERNAL GLORY, blah, blah, blah.

_Triwizard cup is uncovered_

**Students**- OoOo! Ah! Shiny!

**Sexy Severus Snape the Potions Master**- _(Confused look at Goblet)_

_Close up on Alan Rickman._

**Snape lovers worldwide**- _(Faint)_

_Goblet burns red_

**Dumbledore is an older stoner**- HARRY POTTER!

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- _(Cower)(Scream) _Angst-y Dumbledore! NOT GROOVY!

_Shot of frightened looking Harry._

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- _(Angry)_

_Harry walks into the room the other champions went into. Dumbledore races in and grabs Harry._

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- Whoa! What are you doing! Hands off the Merchandise.

**Dumbledore is an older stoner**- _(Crazed yell) _DID YOU PUT YOU'RE NAME IN THE GOBLET? DID YOU? _(Shakes Harry for effect) _

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- Mummy please don't let the bad man hurt me! _(Cowers)_

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- OMG! YOU'RE KILLING HIM!

**Dumbledore is an older stoner**- _(Takes hands off Harry)_ No I'm not. Don't worry he's all right. It's okay.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- NO! YOU'RE KILLING DUMBLEDORE!

**Michael Gambon**- Oh. _(Shrugs)_ Can't help you there.

_Sexy Severus Snape the Potions Master stands next to Cedric._

**Me**- _(Faint)_

**Other moviegoers are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**- Wow! _(Mock shock)_ I wasn't expecting there to be a FOURTH champion. _(Sarcasm) _You honestly couldn't tell at all. _(Whines)_ Is nothing original anymore?

_Moody goes into an explanation, blah, blah, blah. Barty Crouch says Harry must compete._

* * *

Dumbledore's office

_Dumbledore stands over the pensieve_

**Dumbledore is an older stoner**- I feel like I'm going to puke.

**McGonagall**- That's lovely, but what are you going to do about the current situation!

**Dumbledore is an older stoner**- What situation? Did something happen while I was buzzed!

**McGonagall**- Potter isn't a piece of meat!

**Sexy Severus Snape the Potions Master**- I'd make a suggestion, but you wouldn't listen. No one ever does. _(Smiles and winks at fans)_I've calculated his chance of survival, but I don't think you'll like it. But perhaps for the plots sake Potter should compete.

**McGonagall- **But it's Potter's life that's on the line here!

**Sexy Severus Snape the Potions Master- **Life? Don't talk to me about life! Now I've got a headache.

**Snape lovers Worldwide-**_(sigh)_

**Dumbledore is an older stoner**- Far out idea Severus! _(Reads parchment)_ You're Mom. Alright who did this?

**Sexy Severus Snape the Potions Master**- This will all end in tears.

* * *

Gryffindor 4th year boy's dormitory

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- It's not going to be fun to say it like before, but the scene calls for it. BLOODY HELL!

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- I'm sorry. I can get you Viktor's autograph!

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- Really! I mean no. I'm just Harry Potter's stupid friend.

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- I'll get his picture too.

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- Piss off!

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- OoOo! No wonder this got a PG-13 rating. I should cover my ears!

**Other moviegoers are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**- Wow! That was lamer that I thought possible.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- Hey! Give us an S!

**Mike Newell and Kloves**- No!

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- Give us a P!

**Mike Newell and Kloves-** No!

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- Give us an E!

**Mike Newell and Kloves-** No! NO!

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- Give us a W!

**Mike Newell and Kloves-** STOP STOP STOP!

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- What does that spell?

**Other moviegoers are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**- _Spew?_

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- _(Takes on most canon-like Hermione voice) _Not _Spew_! S-P-E-W. It stands for Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare.

**Mike Newell and Kloves-** We told you to stop. You're only going to be up set, to know that we've cut that too.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- You fail! _(Looks extra grumpy)_

* * *

Random room

**Rita Skeeter is bugging Hogwarts, literally**- I'm here to ruin your lives. _(Evil laugh)_ So let's get to it!

_Walks up to Fleur._

**Rita Skeeter is bugging Hogwarts, literally**- Honey, you might want to start using wrinkle cream.

_Harry stares at Cedric_

**Cedric is the modest Hufflepuff sex symbol**- Um? What are you looking at? Is there something in my hair? _(Waves hand through hair) _

**Me**- _(Fan girl shriek)_ THAT WAS SO HOT! _(Bounces in seat)_ Do it again! Again!

_Rita Skeeter stands between them._

**Rita Skeeter is bugging Hogwarts, literally**- Oh! Look what we have here! Cedric darling call me. _(Squeezes Cedric's ass)_

**Cedric is the modest Hufflepuff sex symbol**- Um! Yeah! Don't do that.

**Me**- OH BUT CAN I?

**Rita Skeeter is bugging Hogwarts, literally**- _(Ignores the obvious hunk in the fur)_

_Rita Skeeter looks at Harry._

**Rita Skeeter is bugging Hogwarts, literally**- Harry baby. Darling. Shall we go somewhere cozier

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- There's a lot wrong with that question. No. I think I'll stay right here.

_Rita Skeeter pulls Harry into broom cupboard._

**Rita Skeeter is bugging Hogwarts, literally**- You should get used to closeness like this Harry. When I'm done with this article, the girls won't be able to keep their hands off you. _(Purr)_

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- Um. I'm 14.

**Rita Skeeter is bugging Hogwarts, literally**- So Harry. I'm going to ask you just what my readers want to know.

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- Erm. Okay?

**Rita Skeeter is bugging Hogwarts, literally**- What is the ultimate answer to the ultimate question?

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- _(Takes a moment to think about it)_ 42.

**Rita Skeeter is bugging Hogwarts, literally**- Now let's discuss your psychotic death wish.

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- It is not psychotic. And how did you know I was begging to die now? I mean I'd take Voldemort against you any day.

**Rita Skeeter is bugging Hogwarts, literally- **_(Evil laugh)_

* * *

The Owlery

_Random black bird gives Harry letter from Sirius._

**Sirius' voice**- Common room. Fire. At 10. _(Wink)_

P.S. The owl eats fingers.

_The author would like to take this time to remind you to review when you finish. And promises to stop being annoying aswell. Carry on(again)!_

* * *

Gryffindor common room

**Ashes**- Pst! Pst! Harry!

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- Now the ashes want a piece of me too!

**Ashes**- No. It's Sirius. _(Wheeze)_ Karkaroff was a Death Eater. And Snape is still evil, but I'm not saying that because I hate him. _(Wheeze)_ Okay I am.

**Me**- _(Grumbles about Sirius) _

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- _(Grumbles about the way Sirius looks) _

_Footsteps._

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- Oh. It's you. _(Grumbles)_ This is what I get up for? I was hoping maybe he was talking to Viktor but no! He's having a rendezvous with the fireplace. WELL EXCUSE ME FOR INTRUDING!

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- DAMN STRAIGHT!

* * *

Somewhere

**Neville**- _(Waves big to friends)_

_Ron whispers to Hermione who goes to talk to Harry._

**Hermione is not always crying, she's just constantly hysterical**- With 6 degrees of separation Ron is telling you that Hagrid is looking for you.

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- Um. Okay. Wait can you repeat that?

_Hermione goes back to Ron who repeats it all in a whisper._

**Hermione is not always crying, she's just constantly hysterical**- Separation of 6 degrees. Don't make me repeat it again. Besides, Ron was breathing in my ear, and it tickled, so I didn't really catch much.

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- Well tell Ron that his bloody auto-

**Hermione is not always crying, she's just constantly hysterical**- I WILL TELL RON NOTHING! Hagrid is looking for you. _(Stalks off to cry)_

* * *

Forbidden Forest

_Preview of the dragons, and giant love. Both scary in their own way._

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- _(Sulky)_ No Charlie Weasley! This is getting progressively worse.

_The author would like to take this time to request you review when you finish. And promises to stop being annoying aswell. Carry on(again squared)!_

* * *

Hogwarts courtyard

_Everyone is clad in SUPPORT CEDRIC DIGGORY/POTTER STINKS PINS_

**Me**- Oh I've got one too! _(Points proudly to homemade pin)_

_Harry stalks across courtyard. Cedric is lying on the bench. Or is it someone's lap? No one is sure._

**Cedric is the modest Hufflepuff sex symbol**- Harry? You look upset. Is something wrong? Just asking cause I'm nice. By the way did you see my face is on a pin! It's weird. _(Modest)_

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- I need to speak with you. _Privately_.

**Cedric is the modest Hufflepuff sex symbol**- _(Laughs)_ Okay. But you should know contrary to popular belief I'm not gay, or bi!

**Me**- _(Sigh) _He has the greatest laugh. _(Girly giggle)_

_Harry walks away from Cedric's friends. Cedric looks back._

**Cedric is the modest Hufflepuff sex symbol**- This happens _all_ the time. I'll sort him out in a minute.

_Extreme height difference. Harry looks up at Cedric._

**Me**- Wow, he's tall. He's so perfect. _(Holds up fists)_ He's mine mine mine!

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- Okay. I'm just going to say it.

**Cedric is the modest Hufflepuff sex symbol**- I know everyone thinks this way about me at one time or another. It's okay. I'm used to it.

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- What! No. Well. No. Not now. Listen The first task is dragons.

**Cedric's friends**- Ced come on! DITCH POTTER already! We're all going to have a giant orgy in the Hufflepuff common room. This is not something you want to miss.

**Cedric is the modest Hufflepuff sex symbol**- Um yeah. I wasn't expecting that. Okay. Um yeah. Thanks.

_Cedric walks away._

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- Ronald! Just the man I wanted to see! Now ready I'm going to try my hand at this fighting business. So ready here I go. Um. Stay away from me.

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- _(Raspberry)_ LAME!

_Draco sitting in a tree._

**Draco Malfoy is still waiting for his pimp cane to come in** - _(waves) _Oy ladies! I'm sitting in a tree. I'll jump down too. How do you like me now!

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- _(Bounce in seats)_ BWHAHA! BOUNCING FERRETS!

**Other moviegoers are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**- You all really need to get out more.

_Draco jumps down from tree._

**Draco Malfoy is still waiting for his pimp cane to come in** - Potter you're a LOSER! And my father with his cane of awesomeness agrees.

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- Oh! I'm on a roll! Ready. Ready. I DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT YOU'RE FATHER THINKS, MALFOY! HE'S A SLYTHERIN AND UNCOOL! AND THAT CANE IS LAME!

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- Whoa! PG-13 rating is right.

_Harry goes to walk away. Draco goes to retrieve his wand. Moody transfigures him into a ferret._

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- HOORAY! MALFOY THE AMAZING BOUNCING FERRET!

**McGonagall**- What in blue blazes is going on here?

**Me-** _(Folds arms)_ See! Look what happens when not-Cedric boys try to jump from trees! Let that be a lesson.

**Moody is not drinking pumpkin juice**- You can fly! You can fly! You can fly! You can fly!.

_Puts Draco in Goyle's pants. Crabbe tries to get him out._

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- _(Scream)(Shield eyes)_ NC-17! NC-17! DAMN YOU ALFONSO CUARON!

_Cedric laughs._

**Me**- _(Day dreamy)_ He's just so darn cute when he's laughing. LOVE!

_Malfoy is retransformed into a human. _

**Draco Malfoy is still waiting for his pimp cane to come in** - DADDY! DADDY! DADDY! Beat the nasty man with the weird eye with your cane of awesomeness!

**Moody is not drinking pumpkin juice**- I know stories about you're father that'll make you're hair curl.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- _(Confusion)_ Isn't that supposed to be Rita Skeeter's line?

* * *

Mad-Eye Moody's office

_Ignoring the shaking box. Harry figures out how to get past the dragons. Flying time!_

* * *

Tent before first task/First task

**Hermione is not always crying, she's just constantly hysterical**_- (Cries)_ Don't die Harry.

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- _(Sarcasm)_ Thanks.

**Hermione is not always crying, she's just constantly hysterical**- Oh!

_Jumps on Harry and clutches him in a death grip. Rita Skeeter waltzes in. _

**Rita Skeeter is bugging Hogwarts, literally**- Oh my turn my turn! See Harry. I told you that article would make you a magnet. Clearly she can't keep her mitts off you.

**Viktor Krum Bulgarian Bon-Bon**- This is my one line. What is it again? Oh! I know what I'll say, HUMMA KAVULA!

**Rita Skeeter is bugging Hogwarts, literally**- Viktor and Hermione sitting in a tree…

_The champions pick their dragons. No surprise that Harry gets the hardest dragon, and goes last._

**Dumbledore is an older stoner**- The task begins when-

**Filch**- MMMWWWHHHAAA CANNON!

_Cannon fires before anyone is ready._

**Dumbledore is an older stoner- **OMG! We're at war! _(Covers head and runs around psychotically)_

**Me**- Good luck Cedric! _(blows kiss)_

_Insert elongated flying sequence and semi destruction of the school, as well as death of the dragon _

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- The point of that waaas!

**Mike Newell**- _(Shakes fist)_ UNAPPRECIATED!

* * *

Gryffindor common room

**Gryffindors**- Shiny egg! What's it do?

_Harry opens egg. _

**Egg**- _(Screech)_ THIS IS HOW HERMIONE TALKS ON A DAILY BASIS! _(Screech)_

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- Hugs and kisses Harry?

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- We were fighting? Oh. Well I got that picture autographed for you.

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- HOORAY HARRY!

**Hermione is not always crying, she's just constantly hysterical**- Phs. I am superior.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- _(More grumpy)_ Gr! I really wanted to see the Canary Creams!

* * *

Great Hall

_Patil twins walk by _

**Padma**- Aren't I supposed to be in Ravenclaw?

_Harry looks at Cho. She looks back. _

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- _(Dribble)_ Mental note. REMIND ME NEVER TO DO ANYTHING AROUND A GIRL THAT COULD CAUSE A POTENTIALLY EMBARRASSING SITUATION.

**Hermione is not always crying, she's just constantly hysterical**- You'll be fine as long as you don't stand up.

_Random kid gives parcel to Ron. _

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- Oh thank you random child named Nigel who delivers parcels.

_Ron opens package. _

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- OMG! I got a dress! When Vicky sees me in these I'll be IRRESISTIBLE!

* * *

Random room

_Dance lessons. _

**McGonagall**- This scene was added for no particular reason, except maybe to potentially embarrass and make Ron look stupid and to give our old friend Neville a really good moment. Now let's get started. Mr. Weasley dance with me.

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- _(Imagining she's Viktor)_

**McGonagall**- Put your right hand on my waist.

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- _(SHOCK)_

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such- **Why does Mrs. Norris have red eyes? _(stomps foot)_

* * *

Courtyard full of girls

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- Is Hermione considered a girl?

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- I don't know. Oh gosh, there are so many!

_Insert gross giant love moment _

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- Quick! If we run we can catch Krum exercising!

**Viktor Krum Bulgarian Bon-Bon**- _(Meaningful look at Hermione)_

* * *

Potions study hall thing  


**Fred**- Oy Ron! Have a date to the ball yet?

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- Don't remind me.

**Sexy Severus Snape the Potions Master**- My hands of power rule you all! SERVED! Pa-Ching-Go!

**Fred**- How about Angelina?

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- She's older. I doubt she'd go with me.

**Sexy Severus Snape the Potions Master**- SERVED! Pa-Ching-Go!

**Fred**- I'll ask. Oy Angelina!

**Angelina**- What?

**Fred**- _(Makes hand gestures saying) _Will you go to the ball with me?

**Angelina**- Okay!

**Fred-** _(Wink)_

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- Hey!

**Sexy Severus Snape the Potions Master**- SERVED! Pa-Ching-Go!

**Fred**- I said I'd ask her. I didn't say I'd ask her _for_ you. You snooze you loose little brother.

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- Harry what are we going to do?

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- I don't know.

**Sexy Severus Snape the Potions Master**- SERVED! Pa-Ching-Go!

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- _(Just realizes)_ Hey! Hermione! You're a girl! Right?

**Hermione is not always crying, she's just constantly hysterical**- _(Cries)_ What happened to the love Ron?

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- So that'll be a no?

**Hermione is not always crying, she's just constantly hysterical**- _(Stalks off crying)_

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- Harry! If Hermione's taken, then Neville probably has a date.

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- What are you suggesting exactly?

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- Doesn't matter. I will not go alone! Even though my robes are rubbish and I won't dance. You know it's been a while since I said it. BLOODY HELL! And hey Professor Snape! _Bother!_

**Sexy Severus Snape the Potions Master**- Oh it's on! (Rolls up sleeves) SERVED! Pa-Ching-Go!

* * *

Random place with lots of ice

**Cho is not the Hogwarts Whore**- Hiya Harry!

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- Emhtiwllabehtotoguoylliw.

**Cho is not the Hogwarts Whore**- Um okay?

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- I mean will you go to the ball with me?

**Cho is not the Hogwarts Whore**- Um no. This will be the first time I break your heart.

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- Okay then. Maybe I'll get you under the mistletoe next year. I'll just go back to my room and sulk.

* * *

Gryffindor common room

_Harry sits with egg on stomach. _

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- I wonder what it would be like to carry Cho's baby.

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- BLOODY HELL!

**Ginny- **Poor boy.

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- What happened?

**Ginny**- Um. Well he got a glimpse of Fleur's, um butterfly, and then Krum walked by. And-

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- I asked him to the ball. Oh! What I was thinking! Of course he had a date already.

**Ginny**- Actually he sort of yelled at him.

**Hermione is not always crying, she's just constantly hysterical**-_ (Trying not to laugh) _Then what did he say?

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- Um. He yelled back. Something about how I wasn't 'his type'. My life is ruined. Now I'm not only penniless but also lonely. Oh! I miss my Hermione. _(Whines)_ What did I ever see in him?

**Hermione is not always crying, she's just constantly hysterical**- _(Cries)_ I love you too Ron!

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- I can fix this.

_Patil twins walk past _

**Pavarti**- These jackets that Emma wore in the last movie are great! Maybe she'll sign them! Hi Harry!

* * *

Gryffindor 4th year boy's dormitory

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- My robes! They're so long and pretty. My Great Aunt Tessie would be proud! You're robes are nice too, Harry!

* * *

Yule Ball

**Padma**- Nice robes Ron! Where'd you get them?

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- Vintage!

**Padma**- _(Giggle)_ Oh I love vintage. _(Evil glare at Pavarti)_

**McGonagall**- Now where did I put my hat? Oh Harry! You have to dance first. Yeah. I hope you practiced with Neville. _(Turns to walk away)_ Ah Mr. Flint just the man I wanted to see, have you seen my hat?

**Hermione is not always crying, she's just constantly hysterical**- _(Walks down stairs) _Ven you got it, flaunt it. I'm trying to upstage Ron in frills and pinkage. Can't you tell!

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- _(Flip through book frantic looking for something wrong with this scene other than the way Harry is looking at Hermione)_ AH HA! _(Points to page victoriously) _Hermione's dresses are supposed to be blue! Gah! That adds another negative a million points to the movies 'true to the bookness'. _(Glares at screen angrily)_

**Other moviegoers are not always confused, they just don't get everything all the time**- Oh now you're just nit-picking.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such- **_(Accio popcorn_ _All HP fans look menacingly at Other moviegoers as they all take out their wands)_ In the wise words of Fred and George, we're not fussy where we stick this. _(Throw popcorn at the Other moviegoers) _Be nice or we won't tell you what's going on...And we can ruin the end for you. _(Sneer)_

**Other moviegoers are not always confused, they just don't get everything all the time**- _(Looks at screen slightly frightened of the HP fans) _Y-y-your right...Her dress should be blue. _(Bows) _Sorry oh great Potter fans...Of course you know best.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such- **_(Sigh)_ Now that's more like it!

_Hermione takes Krum's arm. Doors open to Great Hall. _

**Me**- Oh! Cedric! You look so cute all dressed up like that! Could you tell me your tux size? _(Takes out pen and paper)_ And Cho, hands off my man! _(Holds up fists)_ I'm willing to fight you for him.

**Padma**- Oh look. Hermione's wearing pink too!

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- _(Shock and tears) _I'm not his type huh! Well Hermione we'll see how much love there is in the next few movies. HUMPH! Playing me for a fool. But if she's with Viktor who's Neville with?

_Pavarti looks at everyone and acts like she's so loved. WALTZ! Neville and Ginny join!  
_

**Everyone- **AWH!_  
_

_Giant love._

**Everyone- **ICK!

_Waltz ends abruptly _

**Weird Sister**-HE-LLO HOGWARTS! TELL ME HOW YOU FEEL!

**Students**-PUNK ROCK!

_Flitwick stage dive. Cedric head bangs. _

**Me**- _(Sigh)_

**Hermione is not always crying, she's just constantly hysterical**- My dress is falling down. Viktor could you pick it up?

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- This could've been our song! I hate the world.

**Dumbledore is an older stoner**- Groovy! Reminds me of WOODSTOCK!

**Moody is not drinking pumpkin juice**- _(Guzzle)(Guzzle)_

_Durmstrang boy asks Pavarti to dance. _

**Pavarti**- Take me baby!

_Later at the Yule Ball. Viktor kisses Hermione's hand. _

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- What! This is the kiss we've heard about! Wow. That was pathetic. I guess Emma was too scared to lip lock with Stan. _(Shrugs)_ Her loss.

_Harry goes off to the bathroom for a moment. _

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- _(Evil glare at Hermione)_

**Hermione is not always crying, she's just constantly hysterical**- You've ruined EVERYTHING!

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- Hey, why so edgy?

**Hermione is not always crying, she's just constantly hysterical**- Edgy? You wanna know why I'm edgy?

_Points wand at Ron who suddenly feels exactly how Hermione feels. _

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- Of course you're edgy. Your whole plans has been destroyed and you've been tooling round the with the guy who ruined them. You're stuck with me, another in a long line of men who doesn't really get you and you're worried that you might have blown it with the one guy who really does.

_Harry returns. _

**Hermione is not always crying, she's just constantly hysterical**- You and Ron go to bed!

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- So demanding. And just what the bloody hell did I do?

**Hermione is not always crying, she's just constantly hysterical**- _(Cries)_

* * *

Not Canon Bridge

**Hermione is not always crying, she's just constantly hysterical**- The second task is soon.

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- No shit. I suppose Viktor has the egg figured out.

**Hermione is not always crying, she's just constantly hysterical**- Viktor is more of a physical person. We do it long time in the library.

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- Thanks Hermione. I really didn't need to know that.

**Hermione is not always crying, she's just constantly hysterical**- _(Cries)_ YOU HAVE TO FIGURE OUT THAT EGG!

_Harry goes to walk away._

**Cedric is the modest Hufflepuff sex symbol**- Harry! Harry!

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- WHAT!

**Cedric is the modest Hufflepuff sex symbol**- BUBBLES!

**Me**- _(Takes note)_ Likes long bubble baths.

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- Um okay.

* * *

Prefect's Bathroom

_16-YEAR-OLD DANIEL RADCLIFFE WITHOUT A SHIRT_

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- GAH! This is almost as bad as giant love. _(Shields eyes)_

**Me**- HUMPH! Why couldn't it be Cedric shirtless!

**Moaning Myrtle**- I quite like this. _(Giggle)_

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- Ugh! She's hitting on him! When did these movies become so cringe worthy? DAMN YOU ALFONSO CUARON! And gah! Shirely Henderson is like forty. _(Cringe)_

_Harry opens egg underwater_. _Egg rhymes. _

* * *

Library

**Hermione is not always crying, she's just constantly hysterical**- I'm going to over analyze EVERYTHING.

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- I have a headache Hermione. Can we abandon ship?

**Hermione is not always crying, she's just constantly hysterical**- _(Cries)_ We have to help Harry!

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- Or why don't I just jump off a ship.

**Moody is not drinking pumpkin juice**- Professor McGonagall wants you Mr. And Mrs. Weasley. She's going to put you under a sleeping draught and- _(Hem)(Hem)_ McGonagall wants you. Longbottom help Potter put his books away.

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- _(Snore)(Drool) _

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- DOBBY!

**Neville**- I like plants. Gillyweed is hard to swallow. Nope, sorry folks. No Dobby. Just me.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- _(Grumble)_

* * *

Dock thing 

_Neville gives Harry crack/Gillyweed_

**Neville**- I stole it from Dumbledore's stash, well actually I stole it from Snape who stole it from Dumbledore, but you're not supposed to get it from me anyway. Okay, have a good task, I'm going to bet on if you die or not!

* * *

Lake

**Robert Pattinson fan girls**- Go Cedric! Go Cedric! Take off your shirt!

**Cedric is the modest Hufflepuff sex symbol**- Me? You want me to take it off?

**Me**- God yes! _(Puppy face)_

**Cedric is the modest Hufflepuff sex symbol**- You really want me to take it off? Okay!

_Whistle_.

**Cedric is the modest Hufflepuff sex symbol**- Sorry. Maybe another time. Going for a dip.

**Me**- _(Sour)_ But then, sexy Cedric with his hair wet. _(Sigh) _I can never stay angry with you too long.

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- _(Drowning)_

**Neville**- OH MY GOD! I'VE KILLED HARRY POTTER!

**Me-**I LOVE YOU NEVILLE! YOU ARE JUST TOO CUTE!

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- _(Grows gills)_

**Fleur Delacour is good-looking enough for the rest of us she theenks-** Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- _(Bubbles)(Bubbles)_ I can speak whale, I wonder if Nemo is around. _(Bubbles)(Bubbles)_

_Harry gets to his Wheezey first, but decides to be a hero. Thus Cedric is first._

**Me**- Total hotness Cedric wet and breathing heavy. _(Fans self)_

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- Okay well Hermione and Ron are both my friends. _(Looks around) _It's quiet. Too quiet.

_Jaws theme_.

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- _(Shriek)_ SHARK! SHARK!

_Shark thing takes Hermione_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- You haff a beetle in your hair Her-own-ninny.

**Other moviegoers are not always confused, they just don't get everything all the time**- Wow, you really don't get out much.

**Mermaids**- So long and thanks for all the fish!

_Harry is a hero and saves Gabrielle and Ron. Fleur kisses Harry and Ron. _

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- _(Seeing butterflies around his head)_ Pretty butterflies. Follow the butt-er-flies.

**Hermione is not always crying, she's just constantly hysterical- **I'm prepared to fight you for him Fleur. _(Holds up hands in front of face in fists)_ He's _my_ Wheezy King!

**Dumbledore is an older stoner**- Cedric wins, because the voice in my head says so, and Mr. Potter gets in second for moral fiber.

**Cedric is the modest Hufflepuff sex symbol**- Hooray me! Again!

**Me-** Oh my, you are just too much when you smile like that.

**Twins**- MORAL FIBER!

* * *

Forest

_Harry finds Barty Crouch dead_.

**Other moviegoers are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**- Um? _(Confused)_

* * *

Dumbledore's office

_Harry takes insane amount of jumping candy, hits hidden floor piece finds Pensieve_

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- BELLATRIX!

**Barty Crouch Jr.**- Nope. Just me again. _(Psychotic)_

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- Um yeah Crouch is supposed to be like seventeen maybe. We're not even going to talk about how the Pensieve isn't portable, like it's supposed to be. This fails. This totally fails.

_The author would like to take this time to request you review when you finish._

* * *

Random hallway with Potions closet

**Karkaroff**- Nice tattoo right Severus? Last I recall you have the same one. We got it that night in Singapore. Eh, Eh?

**Sexy Severus Snape the Potions Master**- Potter. I have Veritaserum. Don't steal from my stores!

**Snape lovers Worldwide**- WE LOVE YOU SNAPE!

* * *

Third Task

**Me**- I LOVE YOU CEDRIC DON'T GO. _(Rocks in seat)(Tears)(Takes out large wade of Puffs Plus ®)_

_Cedric hugs dad. Confident, sexy nod. _

**Amos**- I'll see you when you get out of the maze.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such- **Oh, ironic.

**Other moviegoers are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time- **Why? What's going to happen? Is it something bad? Something more confusing? WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN!

**Me**- NOOO! _(Continues to rock in seat)(Tears)_

**Karkaroff- **_(Massages Krum's shoulders and whispers) _It was I who stole the cookies from the cookie jar.

**Dumbledore is an older stoner**- There will be no cool things in this maze. Instead you are left with your psyche and a bunch of very sour hardcore HP fans.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- _(Sour)_

**Dumbledore is an older stoner**- Oh and Mr. Diggory. Do watch out. The Maze does contain crazed fan girls.

* * *

Maze

_Fleur gets swallowed by a bush. Krum has foggy eyes._

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- What! The Imperious curse doesn't do that.

**Other moviegoers are not always confused, they just don't get everything all the time**- What! I don't get it. Why are his eyes cloudy! Did he go blind! Huh?

_Close up on Cedric's face_.

**Me**- Stop! I love you! Don't go. _(Tears) _

_Cedric disarms Krum_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- Since when does Expelliarmus cause someone to become unconscious?

_Cedric and Harry hit and push each other and try to get to cup_.

**Me**- No! No! NO! _(Tears)_

_Cedric gets snagged by root; the maze begins to eat him._

**Cedric is the modest Hufflepuff sex symbol- **HELP! The fan girls got me! HELP!

**Me**- HOORAY! _(Sniff)_ Now Harry leave him there and go for the cup yourself.

_Close up on Harry's eyes_.

**Me**- _(Crosses fingers and rocks in seat)_ Don't save him. Don't save him. Don't save him.

_Harry runs to help Cedric._

**Me**- _(Tears)_ DAMN NOBILITY!

**Cedric is the modest Hufflepuff sex symbol**- Whoa! _(Angry)_ You could've left me there you know. I can handle myself!

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- Let's just take the cup together.

**Me**- DAMN YOU HARRY! _(Tear)(Bits nails)(Rocks in seat)_

_Cup is Portkey_

* * *

Graveyard

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such- **What the fuck is that dementor thing on Tom Riddle's headstone? Its Voldemort's _father_! _(Snorts)_ Figures, since they had Voldemort himself on the stone in the first place, someone really needs to read the books for these movies.

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- CEDRIC GET BACK TO THE CUP!

**Cedric is the modest Hufflepuff sex symbol**- Oh it's a bit creepy around here.

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- GET BACK TO THE CUP!

**Me**- _(Tears so many tears)(Sob)_ Listen to Harry. _(Sob)_

_Wormtail comes out of the shadows_.

**Me**- NOOO!

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- CEDRIC GO BACK!

**Cedric is the modest Hufflepuff sex symbol**- _(Strong and sexy)_ Who are you and what do you want?

**Me**- _(Hysterics)_

**Voldemort**- _(Cough)(Wheeze)_ Kill the spare! _(Wheeze)(Cough)_

**Me/Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- NOOOOO!

_Cedric dies. Voldemort is reborn_

**Voldemort**-_(Takes deep breath)_ I feel cold. BUT pretty. Oh so pretty...

_Voldemort prances around singing for a bit._

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such- **Where are his red eyes?

**Other moviegoers are not always confused, they just don't get everything all the time**- They're on the cat-Mrs. Norris.

_Voldemort steps on Cedric's face. I cry really hard. Death Eaters arrive. _

**Death Eater**- Okay who killed the hot boy?

**Voldemort**- Oh it's a great story; see I was all AVADA KEDAVRA! And then he was like dead.

**Death Eaters- **NARLY! We bow to your power of killing hot boys. I mean only a skilled wizard such as yourself would ever have the power to make so many fan girls so angry, or would dare to. _(Bows)_

**Robert Pattinson fan girls**- _(Growl)_

_There is creepy face touching a short version of Voldemort's speech which is attributed to Kloves which both suck._

**Voldemort**-Harry Potter you are by far the _worst_ wizard I've ever heard of!

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**-But you _have_ heard of me!

_Voldemort is about to kill Harry._

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- So this is it. I'm going to die?

**Voldemort**- Yes. Would you like a hug?

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- No.

_Lucius/Luscious Malfoy/Death Eater with clearly shown platinum blonde hair narrates as Harry's about to be killed by Voldemort. _

**Lucius/Luscious Malfoy/Death Eater with clearly shown platinum blonde hair**- What to do if you find yourself stuck with no hope of rescue: Consider yourself lucky that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far, which given your present circumstances seems more likely, consider yourself lucky that it won't be troubling you much longer.

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**-FOR NARNIA!

_There is something that resembles Priori Incantatem. _

**Voldemort**-What in the world?

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**-Haha! It's _the force!_

**Dead Cedric Ghost-**_May the force be with you, young Harry._

_Cedric tells Harry to bring his body back. I cry harder._

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- Wait I just blinked. Where'd the graveyard scene go! Voldemort! Huh! This is worse than the QWC.

* * *

Third Task

_Happiness and lots of cheering_

**Me**- _(Sob)(Tears)(Sob)_

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- Death! _(Sob)_ Voldemort! _(Sob)_

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- OMG! RADCLIFFE LEARNED TO ACT! I'm suddenly feeling the urge to cry. _(Sob)_

**Other moviegoers are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**- BUT HE WAS HOT! I think I'm going to cry. _(Hugs HP fans)(Sob)_

**Fleur Delacour is good-looking enough for the rest of us she theenks**- _(Shriek)_

**Cho is not the Hogwarts Whore**- _(Tears)_

**Amos**- THAT'S MY SON!

**Everyone**- OMG! This is totally and completely heartbreaking. And he was hot! _(Bawl)_

* * *

Moody's office

_Moody drags Harry away from scene._

**Moody is not drinking pumpkin juice**- I'm not a Death Eater. I don't have a drinking problem. Did you like the graveyard Harry?

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- Um. I didn't mention a graveyard.

**Other moviegoers are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**- _(Confused)_

**Moody is not drinking pumpkin juice**-_(referring to Dark Mark)_I'll show you mine if you show me yours!

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- Oh! Was that necessary? Really!

**Other moviegoers are not always confused, they just don't get everything all the time**- Let me guess...DAMN YOU ALFONSO CUARON!

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- _(Shakes fist)_ Even the non-HP fans are catching on! DAMN YOU CUARON!

_Moody goes in mad search for more polyjuice potion_

**Moody is not drinking pumpkin juice**-But why is the rum gone?

_Moody changes into Barty Crouch Jr._

**Other moviegoers are not always confused, they just don't get everything all the time**- Okay, anyone care to explain?

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- Well you see, there is this whole thing in the book that the movie fails to explain. And the characters missing are actually sort of vital. And that guy is a Death Eater.

**Other moviegoers are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**- _(Still confused)_ You all _really_ need to get out more.

_End scene with Snape poking wand into Barty Crouch's Cheek. It's difficult to say if this is sexy or not._

* * *

Great Hall

**Dumbledore is an older stoner**- And so because Kloves thinks he's brilliant they have cut this speech and butchered it so nobody likes it. And so we begin. We're here to remember. We're here to remember. _(Scratches head)_ Who are we remembering?

**McGonagall- **_(Leans over and whispers to Dumbledore) _Cedric Diggory.

**Dumbledore is an older stoner**- A right. Remember Cedric Diggory. The boy senseless enough to wander somewhere with Harry Potter in the final scenes of the movie.

_Random camera pan to ceiling_

* * *

Gryffindor 4th year boy's dormitory

_Harry and Dumbledore moment that mentions curtains and is essentially completely pointless._

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such- **He's not wearing his half-moon glasses! Okay it was one thing to act the way he did throughout the movie, but the half-moon glasses are signature, now he's just dishonoring Dumbledore and insulting HP fans. _(Shakes head in disgust)_ Disgraceful!

_The author promises to stop being annoying._

* * *

Hogwarts Courtyard

_Suddenly everything is good and everyone is happy_.

**Cho is not the Hogwarts Whore**- I'll see you next year, Harry. We have a date and then I break your heart. Or you break mine. That remains to be debated among fans. Eh. Don't tell me about my deceased boyfriend if I ask. Adds more baggage to our relationship. Have a nice holiday. _(Waves)_

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- You go it! _(Winks and waves)_

**Fleur Delacour is good-looking enough for the rest of us she theenks**- _(Kisses Ron)_

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- Butterflies. Butterflies. Butterflies. Is it normal at Hogwarts ever?

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- Never. Because I'm here. And everyone wants a piece of me as always. Besides, we can talk about normal until the cows come home

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- What is normal?

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- What is home?

**Dumbledore is an older stoner**- What are cows?

**Hermione is not always crying, she's just constantly hysterical**- _(Sob)_ Everyone's going to die now right? _(Sob)_

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- They cut finding out Rita is a beetle! _(Makes face)_

**Harry Potter would like people to stop telling him he looks exactly like his father except his eyes, he has his mother's eyes because they're not even the right color in the movies**- Yes. So let's walk in unison and watch the schools leave. And Hermione don't bother asking me to write since next time you write we won't be allowed to say much and I'll be kept in the dark, which adds to lots of angst that I probably should start feeling now.

_The Trio walks in unison as the other schools leave._

**Ron is sick of being _just_ Harry Potter's stupid best friend**- I know this great Restaurant at the End of the Universe.

_

* * *

_

_Cut to credits._

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**- Well I guess it was okay. What happened to pre-angst Harry though? Pretty boys jumping from trees, was good. Apparently good-looking boys do just fall from the sky.

**Me**- _(sings)_ It's raining men!

**Other moviegoers are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**- Well that was thoroughly confusing. Next time remind me to read the book, or at least to come with a Potter fan.

**THE END!**

**Author-** Hey! Thanks for reading! You made it all this way! And it took _so_ much effort to get here. What did you think? I'd really appreciate it if you'd take a little more time out to review, your opinion will help future parodies! _(Wink)_ Thanks!

-Drink up me 'earties yo ho!- 


	2. SURPRISE!

**Author's Note**- SURPRISE!!! This is a little teaser for you. And for this and the next Parody I've enlisted a friend. Enjoy!

_**A Short Reaction to the Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Teaser Trailer**_

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such**-Hooray! I've been waiting for this since I saw Goblet of Fire! (_Opening shot_) Why is this taking _forever_? And why do they waste _sooo_ much time on pointless shots? That opening logo was like movie-length! Okay, uhuh. Ahaha! Dumbledore is playing two parts this movie; that explains the old lady jammies. He's playing Figgy too! Gah! Explosion? What is that? Where is that? NOT CANONICAL!!! OMG LUCIUS! Huh? (_Rewinds that commentary_) I think that's from Goblet of Fire! Oh no they didn't! _Snape is so cool!_ Umbridge in front of a clock, oh snap! Ugh (_makes face_) wet kiss! Woo! Bella! (_Sigh_) This Harry crashing into the camera is getting really old. And yet that was shockingly not nearly as painful as I expected it to be!


	3. Author's Note

UPDATE!

Hello devoted parody readers! With HBP _finally_ on DVD I have received a number of inquiries about the related parody. This is when the real work starts, so it will be a little while longer. However, I would like to remind everyone that if you would like to contribute to the parody, now is the time to do so! -SEE BOTTOM OF POST FOR RULES-

**Attention:**

**Hardcore HP fans who are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such,  
Other moviegoers who are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time,  
Anti-Cuaron people,  
The "I actually kind of cried when Dumbledore died even though Michael Gambon will never be Dumbledore to me" people,  
The "Ronald Weasley, whose only point in the movie is for comic relief" people,  
Snape Lovers Worldwide,  
Every Girl In The Theater,  
The "Cormac McLaggen is yummier than ice cream" people,  
Robert Pattinson Fangirls  
Death Eaters,  
and Shippers alike,**

It's finally that time again! And you are the chosen ones! The HBP Parody is currently underway. I went to the midnight premiere of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, more specifically the 12:02am showing, because 12:01am is _so_ 2006!(I can't take credit for that joke, a very good friend of mine twittered that in the extra minute we had before the movie started, so kudos to Nikki!). Anyway, I thoroughly irritated all my friends with a short list of all the things I have already started thinking about for the next parody, because I know I read HBP, but apparently not the one the movie was named for. If anyone has a copy of that, please can I borrow it?! I was a little confused! But, since the movie was atrocious enough the title I've been considering for this parody is official. No, I will not tell you the name I'm thinking of! It'll ruin the surprise! Though, if anyone would like to suggest a title, I'm open to it. Well, I hope to produce just as successful a parody as the previous ones. To achieve this I call upon you (the readers), once again to contribute something you'd like to see to make this parody the best! However, before you all make a mad rush to review; there are a few rules this time around:

_-Do not post a list of everything that was missing in the movie from the book, how badly a scene was butchered or the extreme change in plot. These are things I am aware of and incredibly meticulous about._

_-You may post a suggestion for the title, a line/joke, a character's name for the parody or a complaint about WB, Steve Kloves, Alfonso Cuaron, David Yates, Michael Gambon, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows PART ONE, etc._

Please post your ideas in the review section. Your contribution is very much appreciated, although I do not guarantee that I will use all of them.

Mischief managed!

Dreamstallion33


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